I Surrender All

I heard this Clay Crosse song on the way home yesterday -- one I used to love and had forgotten about:

I Surrender All
lyrics David Moffit and Reggie Hamm
I have wrestled in the darkness of this lonely pilgrim land
Raising strong and mighty fortresses that I alone command
But these castles I've constructed by the strength of my own hand
Are just temporary kingdoms on foundations made of sand

In the middle of the battle I believe I've finally found
I'll never know the thrill of victory 'til I'm willing to lay down
All my weapons of defense and earthly strategies of war
So I'm laying down my arms and running helplessly to Yours

Chorus:
I surrender all my silent hopes and dreams
Though the price to follow costs me everything
I surrender all my human soul desires
If sacrifice requires
That all my kingdoms fall
I surrender all

If the source of my ambition is the treasure I obtain
If I measure my successes on a scale of earthly gain
If the focus of my vision is the status I attain
My accomplishments are worthless and my efforts are in vain

So I lay aside these trophies to pursue a higher crown
And should You choose somehow to use the life I willingly lay down
I surrender all the triumph for it's only by Your grace
I relinquish all the glory, I surrender all the praise

Bridge:
Everything I am, all I've done, and all I've known
Now belongs to You, the life I live is not my own
Just as Abraham laid Isaac on the sacrificial fire
If all I have is all that You desire
I surrender all

Amazing how God can even speak to you through the radio.

And of course, I have always loved the old hymn of the same name:

All to Jesus I surrender;
all to him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust him,
in his presence daily live.

Refrain:
I surrender all,
I surrender all,
all to thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender;
humbly at his feet I bow,
worldly pleasures all forsaken;
take me, Jesus, take me now.
(Refrain)

All to Jesus I surrender;
make me, Savior, wholly thine;
fill me with thy love and power;
truly know that thou art mine.
(Refrain)

All to Jesus I surrender;
Lord, I give myself to thee;
fill me with thy love and power;
let thy blessing fall on me.
(Refrain)

All to Jesus I surrender;
now I feel the sacred flame.
O the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory, to his name!
(Refrain)

And from His Word:

"1I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.

2And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

3For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith."

Romans 12: 1-2

Ahh! I need my structure!

A root canal gone horribly awry kept me from BSF on Monday night. So now I don't have my weekly lesson to go by for my morning "time with God."

*This* is exactly why I joined BSF -- so that each day I would have a structured passage to read, followed by questions to answer. No guesswork on my part. It's right there in black and white for me.

I know that on mornings like I will have this week, I could fire up my old computer and find some sort of a lesson online that I could do. The problem is that the minute the computer turns on, the brain turns off, and I know I would get stuck either checking the news (and how depressing it is these days), writing and reading e-mails (read: junking the hundreds of spams I get a day), or just generally goofing off (I love pogo.com).

So today one of my goals is to find some very quick devotionals or lessons online that I can print off and just have on-hand for those times when I don't have my BSF lesson.

@>~~>~~ New Subject ~~<~~<@

This weekend I had a realization that I hadn't really considered in a long time. I was thinking about this time in my life, how God continues to pull me closer to Him as I pray for Him to, and a quiet curiosity about what might be next in my service of the Lord. There was a time, many years ago, when I felt a "call" to enter the ministry. Now, I don't feel women should lead churches, and I never, ever even half considered that that's what that call meant for me.

I put that experience out of my mind for a long time, ignoring and avoiding it because of other things going on in my life (you can't be in the throes of a time of backsliding and face something like God tapping you on the shoulder and saying "I have something I want you to do."). I never knew then what it was He was calling me to do -- and I still don't know. I have been thinking about that moment, though, when I felt that call and professed it in front of a congregation a friend of mine was a member of.

Now that I have felt this yearning to be closer to God and serve Him completely -- and I'm actually DOING my part of that and not going, "Ok, God, use me," then sitting there twiddling my thumbs -- I have felt a very small, slow flicker of that calling deep inside. I know, though (and here, finally is the realization I reached this weekend), that there is no way I can do anything with that call, really, until I fall to my knees and totally rededicate myself to the Lord.

There is a huge difference, I think, between asking God to foster the desire in me to be closer to Him and grow a relationship with Him, and turning to Him in complete humbleness, confessing every sin by name, asking for forgiveness, and entering into a covenant with Him, vowing to turn from sin and toward him.

I'm still working on it -- as my counselor says, "baby steps."

This is something I *WANT* though...and I don't want to baby step from my old, sinful ways and baby step toward God. I want to fling down all of the past and run screaming and tearful to the Lord, laying myself and all that I am on His alter. What makes me halt, though? Is it the comfort of the old? The fear of the unknown?

Which version to use?

I've had an internal debate going on since I started BSF, and it's really bothering me.

The BSF lessons are written for use with the New International Version (NIV) of the Bible. I have always used and been told that the King James Version (KJV) is THE version to use.

Well, I have looked at different versions of the Bible, and while the language is different, in general the meaning is pretty well the same in most of what I have looked at. One of the funniest instances and what prompted me to start wondering about this was in one of my BSF lessons. It asked for us to write a description of various things we had studied -- the tabernacle, the ark of the covenant, etc. One of the things was the atonement cover.

Well, while I freely admit that I have been very neglectful of studying the Word, I also am blessed to have grown up in a church that covered a LOT of the Bible quite thouroughly. I had never heard of the atonement cover, though. I searched through the verses of the day's lesson trying to find mention of the atonement cover. Nothing. I read back to previous scripture, when the tabernacle was first described. Again, nothing.

Hmmm. So, I pulled out my laptop, hooked into the 'net, and went to biblegateway.com. I looked up the passage in the KJV, then converted it to the NIV version. Sure enough, there it was -- atonement cover. In my version it was the mercy seat.

That day I ordered a parallel KJV/NIV copy of the Bible.

I asked my mom this weekend her opinion of using a version of the Bible other than KJV. She said that she knows the Bible says to not change the Word -- that's why we shouldn't use a version that mis-translates what the Bible says in its meaning.

But the KJV is a translation of the Bible, too. How do we know it is THE correct translation? And if using only KJV for my daily lessons hinders me from grasping all of what the lesson teaches because of differences in language, how is that a good thing?

I love my KJV -- I adore the beauty of the language and the meaning behind the words, of course. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I have noticed, though, that the NIV is much more ... hmmm ... modern in its word choice. It makes for a much quicker read with higher retention.

So now I have this internal debate -- which version should I use? If I use only KJV, there are some problems with names, as in the example above. If I use only NIV, I have this weird I'm-gonna-be-struck-down-for-reading-this feeling.

The power of a few words

Things have been so hectic lately. Work has been busy, I traveled over the weekend, my Bible studies start my day off, but they do take time. It seems like from the time I get up until I walk through the door in the evening, all I do is run. By the time I get home, between the fibromyalgia and anemia, I'm pretty well exhausted. Generally in the evenings I just sit and watch TV, cuddle my dog and play around on my computer.

This kind of schedule leaves me neglecting things I need to do, though, like clean the kitchen as thouroughly as I should or do laundry *before* I run out of undies (what a concept!). Sometimes when I leave home in the morning, I feel guilty for leaving things a mess. Guilt leads to me beating myself up a bit in my head as I drive to work. It's not too bad, but still -- any negative self talk is going to have an effect.

This morning was one of those mornings -- I fell asleep in my chair while watching Good Morning America, so I had to rush to get dressed. I walked the dog, then tucked her in before I left. As usual, the kitchen was one of my last stops before I went out the door -- and ugh, those dirty dishes from last night sure didn't wash themselves while I slept.

I try to pray and listen to Christian music/preaching on my way to work. This morning, though, the station I have been listening to had an emergency fundraiser, for today only, to help them raise the mortgage payment for the station. Well, it's really hard for me to say no when I hear an ask for money for a good cause, but I am flat broke right now. I had to turn the station without being able to give.

Finally, after battling the sun in my eyes all the way up Camp Bowie, causing the beginnings of a headache, I got to Mickey D's for one of the bacon, egg and cheese biscuits I have come to really enjoy for breakfast. The girl who took my order and money was one I have encountered there several times. She is super sweet, always calls me "young lady" or "sweetie" and always has a smile on her face. (I can't say I would have the same cheerful demeanor if I had to stand for an 8-hour shift shilling fast food.)

This morning, her words were few as I drove away, but they had the biggest impact all of her past niceness combined has had: "Have a blessed day."

Her words made me smile, and I could feel that familiar spread of love and comfort. She may not have meant the words the way I took them -- who knows if she is a Christian or not -- and she may have even said them mechanically, the same words to everyone she saw (although I doubt that). Her words blessed me, though. I prayed a short prayer of praise as I drove away, and asked blessings on her.

It amazes me how large an impact four one-syllable words can have on a person's day -- maybe even their life. I have always wanted to be the person to wish another a blessed day. I have always been shy to for some reason, though. I have recently told some people that I have prayed for them, if I think knowing that may bring them some sense of hope, peace or comfort. Actually wishing someone a blessed day, though, I haven't really done that. I should. I will.

Have a blessed day.

What a week!

Mostly it has been totally my fault that I haven't posted an entry in a while. I've gotten into the habit of doing my Bible study in the mornings before work (yay!), so that gets my day off to a really great start. This past week, though, I wasn't able to do any additional Bible study at lunchtime, which is what I would like to do. We closed early Tuesday and were closed all day Wednesday. Of course that meant everyone had to work doubletime Thursday and Friday to catch up.

Saturday was a house hunting day for me. I feel very confused and lost about this whole process. I keep reminding myself to undertake it PRAYERFULLY. I'm working on it. I have not been a pray-er for a while -- not in the sense where every step, I ask God's guidance. It takes getting used to. It's one of the things I pray for, though.

Speaking of prayer, my brother has been the subject of MANY people's prayers for a long time. He's currently in jail -- again -- for a stupid, childish act on his part. He seems to be learning this time, though. He completed a Bible study through the Salvation Army, and my mom told me he has asked her questions about the Bible in both his letters and phone calls. He has told her he wants to be baptized when he gets out -- we're not sure yet when that will be. I've been praying that this is the "real deal" for him, and not just either one of his ruses or one of those emotional things people sometimes have. We shall see. I have been trying to keep in closer contact with him, though, since the new year began.

I've also been praying for an Internet friend of mine. She is a super sweet girl, but she has been "angry" at God since her best friend was killed by a drunk driver about 14 years ago. I very openly tell her that I attend Bible study classes, that I pray, and that I have prayed for her. She has even said to me, "Sometime I may want to talk to you about that religion stuff." Last night she sent me a link to a YouTube video of a new version of Footprints in the Sand. She said she loves the song, but said it is sad. Last night I prayed the Lord would let that song be the catalyst for those conversations about "religion" to start between us. I have been mentally composing an email to her to explain that the song (and original poem) aren't sad at all, but are rather a message of joy, happiness, relief and comfort. Imagine having someone to CARRY you through the hard times in your life! And I am so unworthy of that kind of privledge, but He gives it to me anyway.

Tonight is BSF again. I didn't do my lessons on Saturday and Sunday, but I did them both this morning before work. I have to move into the mentality that just because it's a day off from work, I do not get a day off from Bible lessons. It is wonderful, though, that all day on both those days, I had that weird feeling that something was missing. I'm glad -- that's what I wanted.

Hopefully I can start doing some studying and blog posts during my lunchtimes again, now that some super serious and pressing things are taken care of at work. I also want to move beyond doing *just* my BSF lessons.

On study and prayer

Tonight is the second night I will attend BSF meetings,a nd I'm really looking forward to it. I am so happy that I was able to get out of bed early every weekday last week, spend time with God in study and prayer, then get dressed fro work. It made SUCH a difference in the environment I am in at work as well as for my own sense of well-being.

One of my biggest prayers for myself right now is in regards to my boss. I'm going through a very stressful time at work right now with a boss who is, it seems, "out to get me." She has in the past neglected things that would be beneficial to my standing here and in my career overall, and she has completely misrepresented my work and work habits to others. Since this has begun -- for about 18 months now -- I have grown more angry and bitter toward her. I had gotten to a place where just the sound of her voice or laugh caused me to roll my eyes and do that thing kids do when they silently mimic their parents with an awful look on their face. Just knowing she was about to walk past my door or when I saw an e-mail from her pop on my screen made me cringe and become defensive, just waiting for the next attack.

Well, last week I prayed every night before I fell asleep -- and rather than have nights where I toss and turn, stressed with my mind occupied about the next day at work, I slept like a baby. Thursday, though, was a particulary stressful day for me, and I saw those actions toward my boss in myself throughout the day. This woman causes me a LOT of stress -- and so Thursday night I prayed for my working relationship with her. I prayed that whatever it was that caused her to be so critical of me and a poor representative of me in the workplace, that God would take it over. I also prayed that each and every time I found myself feeling anger or bitterness toward her, or frustration with her, that God would help me to remember to pray for her. Not for me -- FOR HER. Wanna talk about a mountain to climb?

Well, the next day when she arrived to work, she breezed past my door as she does every morning -- no hello or anything. Then she stopped, came back, peeked her head around the doorframe and said good morning. My eyes were like saucers. Today, she actually couched a request to change something in the form of a compliment!

Ok, things are still tense, and I am still on guard concerning her. And I found myself getting that knotted-up feeling in my stomach when I heard her come in and speak to someone. (And yes, I prayed about it.) Things are so much better though -- already.

And as for my study time -- my hunger only grows as I study more and more. I was faithful to do each of my 6 BSF lessons this week, one each day, and I have found myself seeking new avenues of study in addition to those lessons.

Reading time

I've already come to cherish my study time very much. Again this morning I was able to get out of bed and ready for work in time to spend time with the Lord, praying and studying His Word. I've come to crave those times even more, so today at lunch, rather than take time to write here, I read the "Day 2" of a 30 day challenge I am doing on reviveourhearts.com (thank you Meeka and Shelby for the suggestion!)

I plan to, once I get deeper into it, keeping some "notes" in another blog about it -- more or less like keeping separate notebooks for different studies.

And so, in this very short post, I will just state I did the questions on Leviticus 9 this morning, read the passage for tomorrow (Lev. 10:1-7), and even read Proverbs 31.

Notes to come soon...probably this weekend when I spend some time trying to get organized.