Speaking to me

This song, right now, is really speaking to me. I listened to it probably 20 times on the way to and from Mom's house this weekend:

The Word

by Sara Groves

I've done every devotional, been every place emotional
trying to hear a new word from God, and I think it's very odd
That while I attempt to help myself my bible sits upon the shelf
With every promise I could ever need

The Word was the Word is and the Word will be
The Word was the Word is and the Word will be

People are getting fit for truth like they're buying a new tailored suit
Does it fit across the shoulders, will it fade when it gets older
We throw ideas that aren't in style in the Salvation Army pile
And search for something more to meet our needs

But the Word was the Word is and the Word will be
The Word was the Word is and the Word will be

I think it's time I rediscover all the ground that I have covered
Like 'seek ye first,' what a verse
We are pressed but not crushed, perplexed but don't despair
We are persecuted but never abandoned
We are no longer slaves, we are daughters and sons
And when we are weak, we are very strong
And neither death, nor life, nor present, nor future, nor depth, nor height
Can keep us from the love of Christ
And the Word I need is the word that was
Who put on flesh to dwell with us
In the beginning

The Word was the Word is and the Word will be
The Word was the Word is and the Word will be

This song is so what I want and need to get to right now. I remember times in my past I have prayed for a sign from God that so-and-so was going to happen or this-and-that was what I needed to do or pursue.

And yet in my hands, neglected and ignored by me, is the answer to EVERYTHING I need to know. I feel like such a baby in the Word because I have wasted so much time and not studied. I have spent so much time serving self and ego and lust and pride and so many other "self" type desires. I have been saved for so long, and yet I totally turned my back on God and the Word. The entire time I have known that I was to live under His rule and law. I was to commune and fellowship with God on a personal level -- I was to study His Word daily, praying and giving myself to Him for His will to be done.

I have felt that tug, that knowing I have not been living where I should be...where I am supposed to be.

And now I feel like I have so much ground to cover and time to catch up on. I feel almost like I am starting over. It is so frustrating. There is a joy in it and an excitement, because in a lot of ways, I feel that thrill a new Christian feels when they first are saved and fall completely in love with Christ.

I should be such a more mature Christian by now, though. It makes me angry at myself and frustrates me so much.

And yet I know what matters is that I am working to get back where I am supposed to be.

While I was driving to and from Mom's this weekend, I also allowed myself to feel a lot of the guilt I have been pushing deep down for so long. I have buried, covered, denied these feelings for so long.

What was wonderful, though, is that while I was driving down I-20, my tears falling like the rain around me, and as I allowed those feelings to come up and I prayed for God to show me how to do what I need to to ask His forgiveness, then let it go and forgive myself, a huge rainbow streaked across the sky.

A friend of mine who is such a strong Christian I almost feel envious of her relationship with God has told me that she has "dates" with God. I decided today that next weekend, I am going to do just that myself. I have wanted and needed to just spend time with God, reading His Word, communing with Him through prayer...just developing a relationship with Him again. This coming weekend is my time to do that.

This country NEEDS PRAYER!

I'm a news junkie. I guess it's because of my job. I really enjoy reading the news highlights on Yahoo!, though.

Some of the stories are VERY disconcerting, though. Like this one. These are NOT the kinds of records we really want to be breaking.

US births break record; 40 pct out-of-wedlock

By MIKE STOBBE, AP Medical Writer – Thu Mar 19, 1:41 am ET

ATLANTA – Remember the baby boom? No, not the one after World War II. More babies were born in the United States in 2007 than any other year in the nation's history — and a wedding band made increasingly little difference in the matter. The 4,317,119 births, reported by federal researchers Wednesday, topped a record first set in 1957 at the height of the baby boom.

Behind the number is both good and bad news. While it shows the U.S. population is more than replacing itself, a healthy trend, the teen birth rate was up for a second year in a row.

The birth rate rose slightly for women of all ages, and births to unwed mothers reached an all-time high of about 40 percent, continuing a trend that started years ago. More than three-quarters of these women were 20 or older.

For a variety of reasons, it's become more acceptable for women to have babies without a husband, said Duke University's S. Philip Morgan, a leading fertility researcher.

Even happy couples may be living together without getting married, experts say. And more women — especially those in their 30s and 40s — are choosing to have children despite their single status.

The new numbers suggest the second year of a baby boomlet, with U.S. fertility rates higher in every racial group, the highest among Hispanic women. On average, a U.S. woman has 2.1 babies in her lifetime. That's the "magic number" required for a population to replace itself.

Countries with much lower rates — such as Japan and Italy — face future labor shortages and eroding tax bases as they fail to reproduce enough to take care of their aging elders.

While the number of births in the U.S. reached nearly 4.3 million in 2006, mainly due to a larger population, especially a growing number of Hispanics, it's not clear the boomlet will last. Some experts think birth rates are already declining because of the economic recession that began in late 2007.

"I expect they'll go back down. The lowest birth rates recorded in the United States occurred during the Great Depression — and that was before modern contraception," said Dr. Carol Hogue, an Emory University professor of maternal and child health.

The 2007 statistical snapshot reflected a relatively good economy coupled with cultural trends that promoted childbirth, she and others noted.

Meanwhile, U.S. abortions dropped to their lowest levels in decades, according to other reports. Some have attributed the abortion decline to better use of contraceptives, but other experts have wondered if the rise in births might indicate a failure in proper use of contraceptives. Some earlier studies have shown declining availability of abortions.

Cultural attitudes may be a more likely explanation. Morgan noted the pregnancy of Bristol Palin, the unmarried teen daughter of former GOP vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin. The young woman had a baby boy in December, and plans for a wedding with the father, Levi Johnston, were scrapped.

"She's the poster child for what you do when you get pregnant now," Morgan said.

Teen women tend to follow what their older sisters do, so perhaps it's not surprising that teen births are going up just like births to older women, said Sarah Brown, the chief executive for the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy.

Indeed, it's harder to understand why teen births had been declining for about 15 years before the recent uptick, she said. It may have been due to a concentrated effort to reduce teen births in the 1990s that has waned in recent years, she said.

The statistics are based on a review of most 2007 birth certificates by the National Center for Health Statistics, part of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The numbers also showed:

* Cesarean section deliveries continue to rise, now accounting for almost a third of all births. Health officials say that rate is much higher than is medically necessary. About 34 percent of births to black women were by C-section, more than any other racial group. But geographically, the percentages were highest in Puerto Rico, at 49 percent, and New Jersey, at 38 percent.

* The pre-term birth rate, for infants delivered at less than 37 weeks of pregnancy, declined slightly. It had been generally increasing since the early 1980s. Experts said they aren't sure why it went down.

* Among the states, Utah continued to have the highest birth rate and Vermont the lowest.
CDC officials noted that despite the record number of births, this increase is different from occurred in the 1950s, when a much smaller population of women were having nearly four children each, on average. That baby boom quickly transformed society, affecting everything from school construction to consumer culture.

Today, U.S. women are averaging 2.1 children each. That's the highest level since the early 1970s, but is a relatively small increase from the rate it had hovered at for more than 10 years and is hardly transforming.

"It's the tiniest of baby booms," said Morgan in agreement. "This is not an earthquake; it's a slight tremor."
___

On the Net:
The CDC report, including some state-by-state figures: http://www.cdc.gov/nchs

Read the entire story at Yahoo!

Blog evolved

It's no big surprise to me that this went from my initial idea of basically doing my BSF lessons on this blog to a journal of my current journey.

Monday night was an awesome night for me at BSF. I didn't get ANY sleep at all Sunday night, and I have no reason as to why. Usually I can attribute sleeplessness to something -- worry, caffeine, too many naps. But Sunday night I was just UP for no reason it seemed.

Getting through the work day Monday wasn't too difficult. By the time 5 rolled around, I wasn't even considering NOT going to BSF, but I had kinda considered skipping the lecture after the discussion groups met. I am so glad I didnt.

I realized God kept me awake Sunday night for a reason. I needed to be tired Monday night so I could be vulnerable, to a point, to D's message.

I can't even remember what her words were specifically, but before groups, we sing a couple of hymns (two of my faves this week -- Worship His Majesty and Crown Him with Many Crowns), then D prays before we all break. Something in her prayer suddenly pricked that part of my heart that I have been avoiding this whole time -- the part of my heart that has KNOWN there are certain things that I have done over the last several years that I have to repent for. I HAVE to spend time in tears, on my knees, asking for God's forgiveness for these things. And like I child avoiding the pain of ripping off a band aid or letting mommy remove a splinter, I have avoided even thinking about these things.

There has been, on my part, a quick, "Oh and Lord forgive me for ..." sentiment on my part, but that sort of passing request doesn't do in my spirit what the lesson of staying close to God needs to do. (I feel like I'm babbling and not making sense here.)

Finally, like gently pricking a blister, her words opened up the wound of those times. I started crying, softly, but unable to stop the tears, as I asked the Lord's forgiveness. It was so wonderful for that process to begin. I wanted to stay there in the sanctuary in prayer, communing with the Lord and making those steps toward Him and toward healing.

I know that my sincere request of God to forgive me is enough for Him -- finally I have been deeply sincere for it. It hasn't been enough for my flawed flesh, though, and I know I will have to work to heal even more. (It amazes me that God can love me so much that He would send His Son to die for my sin, yet I can't love myself. And that He can be so forgiving as to throw my sins as far as the east from the west, but I can't forgive myself.)

@>~~>~~ New Subject ~~<~~<@

One of the things I am learning through this study of Moses in BSF is that although God will forgive, there still can be punishment for sin. However, it's also never too late to turn around from sin.

The lesson this week was about Aaron's rod that budded and the Levites' complaining about the position Moses and Aaron held. It amazed me that despite the fact that God was merciful enough to some to tell them to move before He passed judgement on Korah and those with him, then provided such an awesome display of His judgement for their complaining and their questioning of Him (and their breaking of the laws set by Him when they brought their censers before Him)...after ALL of that -- the ground opening to swallow Korah, the 250 leaders with him, AND all of their households AND all of their possessions -- that the very next morning the Isrealites complained to Moses yet again.

And through it all, Moses had such a close relationship with God that he was able to give up thoughts of self and do all for the glory of the Lord.

I do have to admit that some of the descriptions struck me as funny, though -- Moses and Aaron sure fell to their faces a lot. All I could see in my mind's eye was them falling forward, stiff as boards, everytime those around them "acted up" and needed prayer. (Or as one of the women in BSF said, maybe they remembered what had happened in the past and were ducking God's wrath.)

Amazing

I had a couple of appointments Saturday -- one to get my hair cut and colored, the other to get my eyes checked. Well, I decided to make a day of it, since I needed to be out for those, and I hadn't had a day out like that in ages.



Got the hair cut, colored, made a swing by starbucks for use of their ladies room, a caramel macchiato and a bagel, then on to the eye doc. I had to fill out a form as a returning patient, and thanked the doc's receptionist (who is also her mom) for playing Christian music in the waiting area. I told her I appreciated it, that it made such a difference hearing that instead of pop or something, etc.



Well, when I got in for my exam, the doc asked me what church I went to, since she had overheard me talking with her mom. I told her I don't have a church home right now, but the Lord had really been pushing me to find one lately. Well she told me about her church and about the marrieds group she and her husband lead there.



The, she said that if I'd like to go to the Fort Worth campus of the church (she goes to the Dallas one) to just let her know, that she would go with me -- she said she would give me her card with her cell number on it.



When I walked out, she went out with me, grabbed a card, and on the back wrote "cell - ###-###-#### To go to church or for a girls' night out." I was stunned and so touched. I'm looking forward to meeting up with her for a coffee and a chat, at the least.



Another thing I noticed that I hadn't the last time I saw her, was a tiny, handwritten sign she had over her lightswitch. It said, "Stay Focused, Work Hard, Honor God."



It continues to amaze me constantly who God puts in our paths and what he does with our lives, once we put aside foolish pride and desire for self and ask Him to take over and lead us.



@>~~>~~ New Subject ~~<~~<@



Last summer, a friend of mine at work who is also a Christian and also a crocheter told me about a project she was doing to crochet blankets for the elderly in nursing homes. I had heard of and thought of doing this before, but never did, so looked for places with her to volunteer. Well, the one I chose never worked out.



It had been on my heart lately to do SOMETHING with my crafty gifts God gave me to serve others, but what to do? I asked A. about the blanket idea, but my heart just didn't "feel" that project, as noble and wonderful as I think it is.



Lo and behold, I got an e-mail from one of the yarn companies I love, with a charity spotlight in it. They do them monthly but I SWEAR I had never seen one before that day. It was for a group who crochets and knits baby items to donate to hospitals to be given away to preemies and indigent people who don't really have anything for their babies. A neat project, but again it just wasn't *there* for me.



I followed the link in the email to look at more of the charity profiles. I found one that was started by a woman in Weatherford, just like 15 minutes from here. She has a support group for women who have lost a child. She said in her post someone had given her a prayer shawl when she lost her son, and it had been such a blessing for her -- she said when she was sad, she would wrap herself in her shawl and cry and feel like God had His arms around her. She said she was seeking a prayer shawl ministry to make shawls for the women in the group.



I was so touched and her post weighed on me so heavily. I prayed about it several times, asking God if that was where He wanted me to work. I emailed the lady who left the post and asked her if she was still seeking shawls. And Saturday on my day out, I went to Hobby Lobby and, before I even heard back from her, I bought a book about prayer shawl ministries, and I stood in front of the yarn and prayed that God would move me to the right one for my first shawl. (Sounds silly to pray for yarn, I know, but I also know that I'm not making this for me, and it's not even really being made BY me. It's for some poor woman who lost her baby, and I so want it to be a constant reminder to her that someone prays for her comfort, her healing, and her sake.



I didn't get the yarn I liked. I looked at several shades and textures of green. I was moved to one that has shades of dark blue, red, green and gold in it. It's very rich and bold.



This is, I hope and pray, just the first of many shawls I make for people who need the prayer and the comfort. I've even been thinking about trying to start a prayer shawl ministry. I'd love to be able to share this experience with other crafters -- and have that many more shawls to send to people.



On top of this, I was inspired by the post about the baby items to find a local group who makes chemo caps for kids -- or find a local hospital who would take donations of them. I think it would be such a blessing to make all sorts of cute, pretty, and even fun and silly hats for the little kids who've lost their hair to chemo.

Make a JOYFUL noise

The last few times I have gone to BSF, I have been so blessed by the songs before the discussion groups and the lecture. We gather in the sanctuary of the church where our group meets, and before we break into discussion groups, we sing two hymns. Then when we return to the sanctuary for the lecture, we sing another.

I cannot describe how beautiful it is to hear 400 women sing "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" together.

I was telling my mom last night, while driving home from BSF, that I am so thankful for the group and feel so blessed by it. For the first time in a LONG time, there is something I do on a regular basis that I actually look forward to doing, rather than dreading having to get up and go. I long for my time there, sharing answers to the lesson in group then hearing Debbie's lecture each week. She has truly been chosen by God to lead this group of women -- there is something in her lectures every week that speaks directly to me, as if she knew I needed to hear that particular message on that particular night.

I have found, in the last few weeks, that in quiet times, like when I get up from bed to go to the ladies room, or while I am sitting here at my desk doing something like organizing -- anything where my brain doesn't have to concentrate on the task at hand and can wander -- I "hear" Christian songs, whether worship or hymns, in my head. I have always had music in my mind during those times. It's just that now, it is very VERY rarely not Christian music of some sort. And when I find myself singing some inane pop tune I heard on TV or something, I quickly find something to replace it -- "God is in Control" and "Sing your praise to the Lord" are two of my favorites.

In our phone call last night, I told mom about a very weird, disturbing, yet unsuprising commercial I saw the other day during the early morning news. It was for a Web site called wakeupdallas.org. It's for a film showing explain the coming of Maitreya -- the person the site claims is the return of Christ. It is a very stark concept, if what the site claims does happen, because the "person" it claims is the embodiment of God came to earth in July 1977. This "person" will be 33 next year.

The description of this of course led us to a discussion of things "end times" we're seeing. (Here is wheer I shamefacedly show my ignorance of the Word.) I told mom I didn't know where it was, but that didn't the Bible say that in the end times, more and more of His children would come to Him? I told her to take me for an example. It has been so many years since I have diligently, consistently done what I know God wants me to do in terms of fostering my relationship with Him. I have allowed myself to live under the conception that "it's alright -- I'm generally a *good* person."

The thing is is that I know that that is not right. It's not enough to be a good person. It's my duty as one of His children to be a modern disciple and be a living, breathing example of His grace, and what it can do for and to a person. I'm supposed to not only tell others about the Gospel and witness to them, but I'm supposed to live a life that shows EVRYONE who comes in contact with me what it means to be God's child.

And in my personal relationship with God, I am supposed to spend time with Him daily, praying and studying His Word, and asking for His will and guidance in my life. AND THEN I am supposed to have the faith in Him that He's got it all under control. It's not mine to worry about any more. I'm just to do what I know I am supposed to do, and He's got the rest under control. The bills, the rent, friendships, the job, family, my health, whatever may come to me or happen to me in the future -- it's all right there in the palm of His hand.

I Surrender All

I heard this Clay Crosse song on the way home yesterday -- one I used to love and had forgotten about:

I Surrender All
lyrics David Moffit and Reggie Hamm
I have wrestled in the darkness of this lonely pilgrim land
Raising strong and mighty fortresses that I alone command
But these castles I've constructed by the strength of my own hand
Are just temporary kingdoms on foundations made of sand

In the middle of the battle I believe I've finally found
I'll never know the thrill of victory 'til I'm willing to lay down
All my weapons of defense and earthly strategies of war
So I'm laying down my arms and running helplessly to Yours

Chorus:
I surrender all my silent hopes and dreams
Though the price to follow costs me everything
I surrender all my human soul desires
If sacrifice requires
That all my kingdoms fall
I surrender all

If the source of my ambition is the treasure I obtain
If I measure my successes on a scale of earthly gain
If the focus of my vision is the status I attain
My accomplishments are worthless and my efforts are in vain

So I lay aside these trophies to pursue a higher crown
And should You choose somehow to use the life I willingly lay down
I surrender all the triumph for it's only by Your grace
I relinquish all the glory, I surrender all the praise

Bridge:
Everything I am, all I've done, and all I've known
Now belongs to You, the life I live is not my own
Just as Abraham laid Isaac on the sacrificial fire
If all I have is all that You desire
I surrender all

Amazing how God can even speak to you through the radio.

And of course, I have always loved the old hymn of the same name:

All to Jesus I surrender;
all to him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust him,
in his presence daily live.

Refrain:
I surrender all,
I surrender all,
all to thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender;
humbly at his feet I bow,
worldly pleasures all forsaken;
take me, Jesus, take me now.
(Refrain)

All to Jesus I surrender;
make me, Savior, wholly thine;
fill me with thy love and power;
truly know that thou art mine.
(Refrain)

All to Jesus I surrender;
Lord, I give myself to thee;
fill me with thy love and power;
let thy blessing fall on me.
(Refrain)

All to Jesus I surrender;
now I feel the sacred flame.
O the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory, to his name!
(Refrain)

And from His Word:

"1I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.

2And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

3For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith."

Romans 12: 1-2

Ahh! I need my structure!

A root canal gone horribly awry kept me from BSF on Monday night. So now I don't have my weekly lesson to go by for my morning "time with God."

*This* is exactly why I joined BSF -- so that each day I would have a structured passage to read, followed by questions to answer. No guesswork on my part. It's right there in black and white for me.

I know that on mornings like I will have this week, I could fire up my old computer and find some sort of a lesson online that I could do. The problem is that the minute the computer turns on, the brain turns off, and I know I would get stuck either checking the news (and how depressing it is these days), writing and reading e-mails (read: junking the hundreds of spams I get a day), or just generally goofing off (I love pogo.com).

So today one of my goals is to find some very quick devotionals or lessons online that I can print off and just have on-hand for those times when I don't have my BSF lesson.

@>~~>~~ New Subject ~~<~~<@

This weekend I had a realization that I hadn't really considered in a long time. I was thinking about this time in my life, how God continues to pull me closer to Him as I pray for Him to, and a quiet curiosity about what might be next in my service of the Lord. There was a time, many years ago, when I felt a "call" to enter the ministry. Now, I don't feel women should lead churches, and I never, ever even half considered that that's what that call meant for me.

I put that experience out of my mind for a long time, ignoring and avoiding it because of other things going on in my life (you can't be in the throes of a time of backsliding and face something like God tapping you on the shoulder and saying "I have something I want you to do."). I never knew then what it was He was calling me to do -- and I still don't know. I have been thinking about that moment, though, when I felt that call and professed it in front of a congregation a friend of mine was a member of.

Now that I have felt this yearning to be closer to God and serve Him completely -- and I'm actually DOING my part of that and not going, "Ok, God, use me," then sitting there twiddling my thumbs -- I have felt a very small, slow flicker of that calling deep inside. I know, though (and here, finally is the realization I reached this weekend), that there is no way I can do anything with that call, really, until I fall to my knees and totally rededicate myself to the Lord.

There is a huge difference, I think, between asking God to foster the desire in me to be closer to Him and grow a relationship with Him, and turning to Him in complete humbleness, confessing every sin by name, asking for forgiveness, and entering into a covenant with Him, vowing to turn from sin and toward him.

I'm still working on it -- as my counselor says, "baby steps."

This is something I *WANT* though...and I don't want to baby step from my old, sinful ways and baby step toward God. I want to fling down all of the past and run screaming and tearful to the Lord, laying myself and all that I am on His alter. What makes me halt, though? Is it the comfort of the old? The fear of the unknown?