A long absence

It seems like ages since I last wrote -- and it has been. The last few weeks have been ... well ... flailing for me. I don't know any other way to put it. Nothing has been bad, really. My health has been good. No bad fibro days or anything. Work has been busy but good. I went to my mom's for Mother's Day. I realized on the way to her house this weekend that the entire time these last few weeks, I have felt uncentered -- off-balance. Nothing was bad, but something wasn't right.

Oh -- yes. That's it. I haven't been doing my time with God each morning. I haven't been spending as much time in prayer as I was. I hadn't attended BSF for two weeks. I haven't visited a church for two weeks. Of course I was uncentered. Of course it felt like something wasn't right. I was missing my time with God each day. And praise God missing that time had that effect on me!

Never did I ever think, honestly, that if I went without that much prayer and without spending time with God, even if it was just a few minutes each day, the rest of my life would be so greatly affected. I have been wondering what was "wrong," and now that I know, I long for things to be as they were again. I miss spending time with God EVERY morning before work. That time centered and refreshed me. I yearn to have that time learning His Word, seeking His guidance, and praying.

I don't even know what got me off track so much. I let life get in the way, I think. And here it is already Wednesday, and I have yet to spend one day like that -- starting off first with the Lord, then letting the rest of the pieces fall into place.

And now BSF is coming to an end for this year. No longer will I have those Monday night lectures from D. There will not be any structured Bible study for me to follow in my daily quiet time. No more choir of the voices of 300 beautiful women together singing "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound," and "Then sings my soul, my Savior, God, to Thee, how great Thou art."

I have to wait until September for all of those again.

I have been praying that not only will God guide me to have the discipline I need to devote that time to Him daily, but to also work on those parts of me that might prevent that. To seek out study material ahead of time so there is no, "Well, I don't know what to study today. Guess I'll wait til tomorrow." To go to bed early enough to get the restful, restorative sleep I need to actually get up early in the morning and have that time with Him, and not sleep until the very last minute, then hop up and rush about just to get dressed for work, neglecting my time for Him.

I've also prayed that the tiny flame of desire to know Him better and life every aspect of my life for Him will not go out, but will slowly over time continue to grow. Rather than a hot, fast flash fire that consumes me totally, then burns itself out quickly, as I have experienced in the past, this return to Him has started with a small spark of yearning. His placing other believers close to me in life and drawing me to Him gently has fanned that spark, until it has slowly grown. It's God's slow, soft burning that I know will continue in me -- and will continue to grow hotter and more consuming over time.

@>~~>~~ New Subject ~~<~~<@

My desire to find a church home of my own has led me to begin visiting and contacting local churches in hopes of finding that body of believers -- that Christian family -- to which I belong. It is such a daunting task, though. I have never really looked for a church home before -- and certainly never just me, on my own.

My mother's advice for my search was, "Ask them if they believe in predestination." I was raised in a church that believed and taught that God predestined those who are His to be saved. I never questioned that -- I just believed it.

Well, her advice prodded me to begin studying predestination. I don't doubt that belief -- the Bible states plainly God predestined us for salvation:

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified." Romans 8:28-30

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding. And he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment—to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ. In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession—to the praise of his glory." Ephesians 1: 3-14

I have found on the Internet, though, several essays and studies about predestination vs. free will. I have printed them out and plan to use these as my first post-BSF study. Before I walk up a pastor of a church and ask, "So what do you teach your congregation about predestination?" I want to be certain *I* know what the Bible says and does not say on both sides of the argument. I have heard soem of the preachers on the radio station I listen to say yes, God knew at the beginning of time we were going to be His, but He still left us with the free will to *choose* to be His. To me, predestination negates free will -- if He decided it already, it may *feel* like I am making a choice to follow Him, but am I really choosing? How can I choose if the decision has already been made for me? And how could I, a sinful creature by nature whose instinct is to turn away from God and all things holy, make that choice on my own, anyway?

I obviously have quite a bit to study -- and quite a bit to pray about.

I also still plan to do the study of Psalms and God's attributes they taught us at BSF. I'm really looking forward to it.