Tonight is the second night I will attend BSF meetings,a nd I'm really looking forward to it. I am so happy that I was able to get out of bed early every weekday last week, spend time with God in study and prayer, then get dressed fro work. It made SUCH a difference in the environment I am in at work as well as for my own sense of well-being.
One of my biggest prayers for myself right now is in regards to my boss. I'm going through a very stressful time at work right now with a boss who is, it seems, "out to get me." She has in the past neglected things that would be beneficial to my standing here and in my career overall, and she has completely misrepresented my work and work habits to others. Since this has begun -- for about 18 months now -- I have grown more angry and bitter toward her. I had gotten to a place where just the sound of her voice or laugh caused me to roll my eyes and do that thing kids do when they silently mimic their parents with an awful look on their face. Just knowing she was about to walk past my door or when I saw an e-mail from her pop on my screen made me cringe and become defensive, just waiting for the next attack.
Well, last week I prayed every night before I fell asleep -- and rather than have nights where I toss and turn, stressed with my mind occupied about the next day at work, I slept like a baby. Thursday, though, was a particulary stressful day for me, and I saw those actions toward my boss in myself throughout the day. This woman causes me a LOT of stress -- and so Thursday night I prayed for my working relationship with her. I prayed that whatever it was that caused her to be so critical of me and a poor representative of me in the workplace, that God would take it over. I also prayed that each and every time I found myself feeling anger or bitterness toward her, or frustration with her, that God would help me to remember to pray for her. Not for me -- FOR HER. Wanna talk about a mountain to climb?
Well, the next day when she arrived to work, she breezed past my door as she does every morning -- no hello or anything. Then she stopped, came back, peeked her head around the doorframe and said good morning. My eyes were like saucers. Today, she actually couched a request to change something in the form of a compliment!
Ok, things are still tense, and I am still on guard concerning her. And I found myself getting that knotted-up feeling in my stomach when I heard her come in and speak to someone. (And yes, I prayed about it.) Things are so much better though -- already.
And as for my study time -- my hunger only grows as I study more and more. I was faithful to do each of my 6 BSF lessons this week, one each day, and I have found myself seeking new avenues of study in addition to those lessons.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Reading time
I've already come to cherish my study time very much. Again this morning I was able to get out of bed and ready for work in time to spend time with the Lord, praying and studying His Word. I've come to crave those times even more, so today at lunch, rather than take time to write here, I read the "Day 2" of a 30 day challenge I am doing on reviveourhearts.com (thank you Meeka and Shelby for the suggestion!)
I plan to, once I get deeper into it, keeping some "notes" in another blog about it -- more or less like keeping separate notebooks for different studies.
And so, in this very short post, I will just state I did the questions on Leviticus 9 this morning, read the passage for tomorrow (Lev. 10:1-7), and even read Proverbs 31.
Notes to come soon...probably this weekend when I spend some time trying to get organized.
I plan to, once I get deeper into it, keeping some "notes" in another blog about it -- more or less like keeping separate notebooks for different studies.
And so, in this very short post, I will just state I did the questions on Leviticus 9 this morning, read the passage for tomorrow (Lev. 10:1-7), and even read Proverbs 31.
Notes to come soon...probably this weekend when I spend some time trying to get organized.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Skipping around
I'm actually skipping the rest of Monday night's lesson in order to post what was on my heart yesterday to post about D's words Monday night, but I got off on a tangent with how awesome the meaning of the Levite sacrifices are to me.
When D said that Leviticus was written for anyone who was broken or in pain, it was as if God put His hand on my shoulder and whispered in my ear, "See, you asked to be put in the right place, and I have done that for you."
I've started counseling to work on my depression and to also learn how to deal with anxiety and the pain my fibromyalgia brings me. For years I have battled depression and had feelings of sadness, incompleteness, worry, not belonging, and all of the other feelings and emotions that awful disease brings. It seems I've always been able to keep those at bay just enough to continue to live a normal life -- or seemingly normal life.
Since the onset of fibromyalgia, though, the depression has worsened and my pain level is constant now. It gets to be very overwhelming at times.
Since early 2004, I have really had a hunger to study the Word and form a closer relationship with God -- I wanted to do it. Repeat: I wanted to do it. (Remember my earlier post about not being prayerful when I have sought a closer relationship with Him?)
In October 2006 is when things began to slowly spin out of control, though. That's when I developed a very bad ear infection, on my birthday, which also happened to be a day I had to escort members of the media all over our lovely hilly campus. It wasn't until after that ear infection that I suspected I had fibromyalgia -- and within about a month, my doctor diagnosed me with it.
Since then I have tried dealing with the depression with medication, then we added medication for the fibromyalgia pain. It's helped, but there are still those days when things -- life, the depression, the physical pain -- are just too much to handle, and I end up in bed for a day or two...or more.
I began with my counselor last month because things had gotten just too out of control. I began having small panic attacks, and I felt a horrible sense of dread about work. (She happens to be a Christian and prayed for guidance in our first session together.)
Rewind to the hunger I felt to learn the Word: I knew what I wanted -- an in-depth, exhaustive study of God's Word with other Christians. Finally when I went to that first intro meeting with K, the message was about --- prayer and seeking God's will.
Heh.
Ever feel like you've been hit in the side of the head with a brick, but in a good way? Yeah, well that's how I felt.
So I prayed. And within a week, I had been placed in a discussion group (after I had been "warned" that it could be weeks before they placed me in a group.
This week, as I went to the meeting, I asked God to get me in the door. Then I prayed that He would bless the evening so I would want to come back. By the time the night was over and I was crawling into bed, all I could do was pray and pray some more.
I've also, since then, done somthing I have never done before in my life -- kept an actual prayer journal. I've written down and "remembered" prayer requests people have given me in the past, but I've never had an honest to goodness prayer journal, though. Just writting in it the names of those in the group that had asked for prayer was so powerful. And before I started this post, I spent about 10 minutes praying, asking God to bless my time with Him, then going through each and every request in my journal and praying for them as I laid my hand on their name. Of course I also prayed for those people I never have to write own to remember.
It's funny, but I feel that tired, but refreshed feeling you have after a good cry. Like something bad has been emptied out of me so that good can enter.
I've always had this pained, sad feeling in my life, and I have numerous times asked God to remove it -- but I never did anything for Him to improve my relationship with Him. I went to that first night of BSF very scared and feeling very broken -- a bad feeling I have had for a couple of months. Instead of coming with a tone and heart full of desperation, as I have done in the past, and asked God for help without doing anything other than praying hard and crying a lot, I have a true, strong desire to simply build my relationship with Him.
I want to fellowship with God as I never have before, and I want to have that relationship with Him I see other Christians have. I have always felt comfortable praying to God, but now I want it to be a totally natural thing, something I do every day, all of the time, instead of just when I need something.
And I pray that God fosters and builds that desire in me on a daily basis -- that He keeps that hunger I am feeling alive and grows it, so that a single day without praying, communing with Him and reading His word feels like an incomplete day to me.
When D said that Leviticus was written for anyone who was broken or in pain, it was as if God put His hand on my shoulder and whispered in my ear, "See, you asked to be put in the right place, and I have done that for you."
I've started counseling to work on my depression and to also learn how to deal with anxiety and the pain my fibromyalgia brings me. For years I have battled depression and had feelings of sadness, incompleteness, worry, not belonging, and all of the other feelings and emotions that awful disease brings. It seems I've always been able to keep those at bay just enough to continue to live a normal life -- or seemingly normal life.
Since the onset of fibromyalgia, though, the depression has worsened and my pain level is constant now. It gets to be very overwhelming at times.
Since early 2004, I have really had a hunger to study the Word and form a closer relationship with God -- I wanted to do it. Repeat: I wanted to do it. (Remember my earlier post about not being prayerful when I have sought a closer relationship with Him?)
In October 2006 is when things began to slowly spin out of control, though. That's when I developed a very bad ear infection, on my birthday, which also happened to be a day I had to escort members of the media all over our lovely hilly campus. It wasn't until after that ear infection that I suspected I had fibromyalgia -- and within about a month, my doctor diagnosed me with it.
Since then I have tried dealing with the depression with medication, then we added medication for the fibromyalgia pain. It's helped, but there are still those days when things -- life, the depression, the physical pain -- are just too much to handle, and I end up in bed for a day or two...or more.
I began with my counselor last month because things had gotten just too out of control. I began having small panic attacks, and I felt a horrible sense of dread about work. (She happens to be a Christian and prayed for guidance in our first session together.)
Rewind to the hunger I felt to learn the Word: I knew what I wanted -- an in-depth, exhaustive study of God's Word with other Christians. Finally when I went to that first intro meeting with K, the message was about --- prayer and seeking God's will.
Heh.
Ever feel like you've been hit in the side of the head with a brick, but in a good way? Yeah, well that's how I felt.
So I prayed. And within a week, I had been placed in a discussion group (after I had been "warned" that it could be weeks before they placed me in a group.
This week, as I went to the meeting, I asked God to get me in the door. Then I prayed that He would bless the evening so I would want to come back. By the time the night was over and I was crawling into bed, all I could do was pray and pray some more.
I've also, since then, done somthing I have never done before in my life -- kept an actual prayer journal. I've written down and "remembered" prayer requests people have given me in the past, but I've never had an honest to goodness prayer journal, though. Just writting in it the names of those in the group that had asked for prayer was so powerful. And before I started this post, I spent about 10 minutes praying, asking God to bless my time with Him, then going through each and every request in my journal and praying for them as I laid my hand on their name. Of course I also prayed for those people I never have to write own to remember.
It's funny, but I feel that tired, but refreshed feeling you have after a good cry. Like something bad has been emptied out of me so that good can enter.
I've always had this pained, sad feeling in my life, and I have numerous times asked God to remove it -- but I never did anything for Him to improve my relationship with Him. I went to that first night of BSF very scared and feeling very broken -- a bad feeling I have had for a couple of months. Instead of coming with a tone and heart full of desperation, as I have done in the past, and asked God for help without doing anything other than praying hard and crying a lot, I have a true, strong desire to simply build my relationship with Him.
I want to fellowship with God as I never have before, and I want to have that relationship with Him I see other Christians have. I have always felt comfortable praying to God, but now I want it to be a totally natural thing, something I do every day, all of the time, instead of just when I need something.
And I pray that God fosters and builds that desire in me on a daily basis -- that He keeps that hunger I am feeling alive and grows it, so that a single day without praying, communing with Him and reading His word feels like an incomplete day to me.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
1st night of study
Last night was my first night in my BSF discussion group -- what a blessing just that one night was! Before I started, on Sunday, my group leader J. called me and explained the structure of the studies, when I would get lessons, etc. Well one of the things she said was that the leader of this particular group prays over every card that someone fills out when they decide they want to join the studies. It is only AFTER she prays for each person and she feels led to place them in a specific group does she then place them.
J. said, basically, "You've been placed in our group by God. I truly feel our group was divinely assembled."
We had a fellowship time (which happens once a month) before the night's study began, and it was such a blessing to hear these 12 or so other women in the room tell how they had originally found out about the study and how it has impacted their lives. Most of these women have been in it 3-4 years -- one woman has been in 11 years! How amazing to be in a roomful of women who made a commitment to come together and study the Word, without denomination or "religious rhetoric" involved, but to simply read the Bible and apply what it says to their lives.
Some of my groupmates talked of how they were asked several times of a period of a few years to join, while others actively sought it out after hearing about it only a few times. Some said they had come to the studies at a time in their lives when everything seemed to be spinning out of control. Others have a rich history of Christianity in their lives and families.
All of the women who spoke, without fail, told of how amazing the studies are and how studying the Word has brought them closer to the Lord and guided them in their lives.
It's what I have been hungering for for so long.
"In God's time," is a phrase K. used last night to describe my coming to the studies. And it is such an apt phrase to describe it.
Yes, as I said, I have yearned for a study like this for a long time. The leader, D., last night said something in the lecture, though, that said to me, "You're in the right place, Lauren. I want you here. Listen to Me...be still and do as I say, and all will be well with your soul."
"Do you feel like you are broken? Are you in pain? Then Leviticus was written for you," D. opened her lecture. She explained Leviticus is about getting close to God and staying there, and how to maintain a relationship with God. "Leviticus is an open invitation to holiness." What a concept!
Ok, I have been a Christian -- saved -- for more years than not. I was saved when I was 9, and I had such a desire then to learn the Bible. That desire has ebbed and flowed over the years, and although I do not know anywheer near the amount of the Bible I "should," I am thankful for a strong Christian childhood that included a very good teacher of the Bible.
You would have thought after all those years, though, that I would have seen it so clearly. God wants ME -- little old, sinful me -- to be holy. What?? Isn't holiness reserved for God and "holy people" like priests and stuff? I mean, I have always known God wanted me to be "good" -- isn't that what all of those letters in red in the New Testament mean?
But here we have it, a guidebook to living a holy life, written so many years ago, before Christ came to be the ultimate sacrifice for sin.
Now, I have just today begun delving into Leviticus, and already I know that there are parts of the book that are not applicable to my life today in 2009. But aren't they? D. explained it like this: no, we no longer are asked to make the sacrifices described in Leviticus as the Levites were instructed to perform them -- mainly because when Christ died for our sins and the tabernacle was destroyed, that did away with the need for those sacrifices.
HOWEVER, each of the sacrifices described in this ancient but applicable book symbolizes a type of sacrifice we, today, are to make in order to have that close, holy relationship with God. The burnt sacrifices, the tool by which the Levites transferred their sin into a flawless animal which was then slaughtered and destroyed by fire, symbolizes that today we are to make a total sacrifice of ourselves to the glory of God. That we are to give Him all we have in every way.
"I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God." (Romans 12:1-2)
It also speaks to the concept of confession of sin. Just as the Levites laid their hands on the head of the sacrificial animal and confessed their sins to transfer them to the animal, so must we as modern Christians confess our sins.
"I acknowledge my sin unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid. I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the LORD; and thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin. Selah." (Psalm 32:5)
"He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy." (Proverbs 28:13)
"Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." (James 5:16)
The next type of offering, the grain offering, today reminds us to take the time to be thankful to the Lord for all he has blessed us with.
"And all the meat offering that is baken in the oven, and all that is dressed in the fryingpan, and in the pan, shall be the priest's that offereth it. And every meat offering, mingled with oil, and dry, shall all the sons of Aaron have, one as much as another. And this is the law of the sacrifice of peace offerings, which he shall offer unto the LORD. If he offer it for a thanksgiving, then he shall offer with the sacrifice of thanksgiving unleavened cakes mingled with oil, and unleavened wafers anointed with oil, and cakes mingled with oil, of fine flour, fried. Besides the cakes, he shall offer for his offering leavened bread with the sacrifice of thanksgiving of his peace offerings." (Leviticus 7:9-13)
"And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful." (Colossians 3:15)
The fellowship offering symbolizes the importance of Christians fellowshiping and spending time with other Christians, sharing the Word and their company together -- and that sweet fellowship we an share with the Lord.
"Then they that gladly received his word were baptized: and the same day there were added unto them about three thousand souls. And they continued stedfastly in the apostles' doctrine and fellowship, and in breaking of bread, and in prayers. " (Acts 2:41-42)
"God is faithful, by whom ye were called unto the fellowship of his Son Jesus Christ our Lord." (I Corinthians 1:9)
"That which we have seen and heard declare we unto you, that ye also may have fellowship with us: and truly our fellowship is with the Father, and with his Son Jesus Christ." (I John 1:3)
The sin and guilt offerings are both pretty explanatory -- they were intended to cover both intentional and unintentional sin on the parts of the Levites.
{{To be completed tomorrow}}
J. said, basically, "You've been placed in our group by God. I truly feel our group was divinely assembled."
We had a fellowship time (which happens once a month) before the night's study began, and it was such a blessing to hear these 12 or so other women in the room tell how they had originally found out about the study and how it has impacted their lives. Most of these women have been in it 3-4 years -- one woman has been in 11 years! How amazing to be in a roomful of women who made a commitment to come together and study the Word, without denomination or "religious rhetoric" involved, but to simply read the Bible and apply what it says to their lives.
Some of my groupmates talked of how they were asked several times of a period of a few years to join, while others actively sought it out after hearing about it only a few times. Some said they had come to the studies at a time in their lives when everything seemed to be spinning out of control. Others have a rich history of Christianity in their lives and families.
All of the women who spoke, without fail, told of how amazing the studies are and how studying the Word has brought them closer to the Lord and guided them in their lives.
It's what I have been hungering for for so long.
"In God's time," is a phrase K. used last night to describe my coming to the studies. And it is such an apt phrase to describe it.
Yes, as I said, I have yearned for a study like this for a long time. The leader, D., last night said something in the lecture, though, that said to me, "You're in the right place, Lauren. I want you here. Listen to Me...be still and do as I say, and all will be well with your soul."
"Do you feel like you are broken? Are you in pain? Then Leviticus was written for you," D. opened her lecture. She explained Leviticus is about getting close to God and staying there, and how to maintain a relationship with God. "Leviticus is an open invitation to holiness." What a concept!
Ok, I have been a Christian -- saved -- for more years than not. I was saved when I was 9, and I had such a desire then to learn the Bible. That desire has ebbed and flowed over the years, and although I do not know anywheer near the amount of the Bible I "should," I am thankful for a strong Christian childhood that included a very good teacher of the Bible.
You would have thought after all those years, though, that I would have seen it so clearly. God wants ME -- little old, sinful me -- to be holy. What?? Isn't holiness reserved for God and "holy people" like priests and stuff? I mean, I have always known God wanted me to be "good" -- isn't that what all of those letters in red in the New Testament mean?
But here we have it, a guidebook to living a holy life, written so many years ago, before Christ came to be the ultimate sacrifice for sin.
Now, I have just today begun delving into Leviticus, and already I know that there are parts of the book that are not applicable to my life today in 2009. But aren't they? D. explained it like this: no, we no longer are asked to make the sacrifices described in Leviticus as the Levites were instructed to perform them -- mainly because when Christ died for our sins and the tabernacle was destroyed, that did away with the need for those sacrifices.
HOWEVER, each of the sacrifices described in this ancient but applicable book symbolizes a type of sacrifice we, today, are to make in order to have that close, holy relationship with God. The burnt sacrifices, the tool by which the Levites transferred their sin into a flawless animal which was then slaughtered and destroyed by fire, symbolizes that today we are to make a total sacrifice of ourselves to the glory of God. That we are to give Him all we have in every way.
"I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God." (Romans 12:1-2)
It also speaks to the concept of confession of sin. Just as the Levites laid their hands on the head of the sacrificial animal and confessed their sins to transfer them to the animal, so must we as modern Christians confess our sins.
"I acknowledge my sin unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid. I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the LORD; and thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin. Selah." (Psalm 32:5)
"He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy." (Proverbs 28:13)
"Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." (James 5:16)
The next type of offering, the grain offering, today reminds us to take the time to be thankful to the Lord for all he has blessed us with.
"And all the meat offering that is baken in the oven, and all that is dressed in the fryingpan, and in the pan, shall be the priest's that offereth it. And every meat offering, mingled with oil, and dry, shall all the sons of Aaron have, one as much as another. And this is the law of the sacrifice of peace offerings, which he shall offer unto the LORD. If he offer it for a thanksgiving, then he shall offer with the sacrifice of thanksgiving unleavened cakes mingled with oil, and unleavened wafers anointed with oil, and cakes mingled with oil, of fine flour, fried. Besides the cakes, he shall offer for his offering leavened bread with the sacrifice of thanksgiving of his peace offerings." (Leviticus 7:9-13)
"And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful." (Colossians 3:15)
The fellowship offering symbolizes the importance of Christians fellowshiping and spending time with other Christians, sharing the Word and their company together -- and that sweet fellowship we an share with the Lord.
"Then they that gladly received his word were baptized: and the same day there were added unto them about three thousand souls. And they continued stedfastly in the apostles' doctrine and fellowship, and in breaking of bread, and in prayers. " (Acts 2:41-42)
"God is faithful, by whom ye were called unto the fellowship of his Son Jesus Christ our Lord." (I Corinthians 1:9)
"That which we have seen and heard declare we unto you, that ye also may have fellowship with us: and truly our fellowship is with the Father, and with his Son Jesus Christ." (I John 1:3)
The sin and guilt offerings are both pretty explanatory -- they were intended to cover both intentional and unintentional sin on the parts of the Levites.
{{To be completed tomorrow}}
Friday, January 16, 2009
It begins with a first step
I've had a hunger -- a loud and angry yearning -- to study God's Word and come closer to Him. It's been growing inside me for years, but because of my own laziness, sense of self, sinfulness, and any other bad attribute you can imagine in a human, I have ignored that yearning -- and His will.
Oh, sure, I have had in my life, in fits and starts, times when I have studied the Word. I've invested in study books and tried to "make" myself sit every day and read the bible. Prayerfully? Well, no, not really.
There is an old saying, "You care about what you love and you love what you care about" -- basically, if you spend enough time with a thing, you come to grow affection toward it. I suppose I just assumed that that would happen for me and Bible study. Well, not so much.
"Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them." Mark 11:24
Hello, Lauren. Pray not, receive not.
Besides, if I truly want a closer relationship with the Lord, how can I have what I desire without asking Him in sincerity?
A friend at work, K, invited me to a women's Bible study group that met here during lunch time once a week. They were working their way through a book. I went to one meeting, and I never returned. It wasn't because of anything that happened in the meeting. It was just one of those things where circumstances "beyond my control" kept me from there. (I have since made myself admit -- to myself -- that the only reason I did not return was because *I* did not make the step to do so.)
When speaking with K, I expressed to her my desire to find a very in-depth, intense, exhaustive study of the Word. I yearned for those deep discussion-type studies I had been raised around. I wanted with the Bible and other believers what I had had in my college classrooms. Well, she said she attended a Bible study every Monday night that she thought would be just what I was looking for. She invited me to the introductory meeting -- and I didn't go?
Why? I don't know. I oftentimes suffer from a bit of "inertia" -- a lack of desire to do anything, or a strong desire to do nothing. I'm not sure which way it leans. Anyway, as with many other events and opportunities in my life, I did not go. Hmm. How badly did I really want to study the Word, anyway?
Well, just before the winter break, K said that the study group would have another introductory meeting the first Monday night we were back from break, and I was welcome to attend if I wanted to. "Yes!" was my quick reply (often the kind I give when an event is still far enough in the future to yet be "real" to me). How likely was it that I would go this time.
Well, that Monday night rolled around. It was frigid, icy, grey, and just plain miserable all day. I had grown accustomed to sleeping late and doing a whole lot of nothing.
But...
I went.
Yes, there was a certain amount of pride that I had overcome the "inertia" and actually gone to the thing. But then I realized, it didn't have anything to do with me. Left to my own devices, I would have much preferred, honestly to just head home that night and snuggle with my dog.
It was such a blessing to be in a room full of God-seeking women -- women who gave up a Monday night 30 weeks a year to come together and study the Word. And then to take home with them their lesson for the week and devote time daily to reading and studying the Bible.
Wow.
Just what I have been looking for.
So, now I officially have a spot in a Bible Study Fellowship discussion group, and Monday night will be my first time there as an "official" member -- with a name tag and everything!
Since that Monday night I attended that introductory meeting, though, Satan has been against me. I can feel it. I suffered the worst bout of fibromyalgia and other pain this week than I have in months, I missed three days of work, I missed seeing Carol Burnett and Sally Struthers at Bass Hall (two shows I have been anticipating since October), I missed an important staff development day at work, I missed doing my "homework" for my weekly counseling session, and I missed my counseling appointment today. I've been headachy, in tears, exhausted and depressed for days and days. I sat for five days (Saturday through Wednesday) and did nothing. WHAT??
That is NOT what my life is about.
I asked K for prayer, to help me in this time of trial. She sent to me the following:
"I am SO GLAD that you got in so quickly!!! I would love to go to Chili's with you...it's on my calendar.
I will keep you in my prayers. Please take courage & strength in the fact that Satan is attacking you. I know this sounds weird, but it means that you're heading the right direction. Satan doesn't have to try hard when you're complacent...but you're about to study GOD's WORD!! Satan's bringing out all the heavy artillery because he doesn't want you to take hold of the "sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God" (Ephesians 6:17)...our offensive weapon against Satan. God's Word is SO powerful ("For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart" Hebrews 4:12). Satan knows that, too.
Just beware, Satan will continue to attack you until you walk through that door on Monday night. And then he'll do it again every Monday night. And he'll do it every time you think about sitting down to do your bible study. He does it to me.
BUT, "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." (Deuteronomy 31:6)
So, what time do you want to meet on Monday? (It's a holiday, remember?)
K
P.S. Can I share this with A so she can be praying for you too?"
Wow...and wow again.
And so now I have two Christian women, who are not just Christian by "brand" but by deed and action, praying for my protection against the forces of Satan. I also have my mom, who has in the past year or so learned that nothing good comes but that it comes from God, praying for me and my protection.
And now I am sure the battle will be harder -- the struggles more intense, temptation more attractive. My prayer, though, is and has been only to have a stronger, closer relationship with God through the study of His Word.
Oh, sure, I have had in my life, in fits and starts, times when I have studied the Word. I've invested in study books and tried to "make" myself sit every day and read the bible. Prayerfully? Well, no, not really.
There is an old saying, "You care about what you love and you love what you care about" -- basically, if you spend enough time with a thing, you come to grow affection toward it. I suppose I just assumed that that would happen for me and Bible study. Well, not so much.
"Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them." Mark 11:24
Hello, Lauren. Pray not, receive not.
Besides, if I truly want a closer relationship with the Lord, how can I have what I desire without asking Him in sincerity?
A friend at work, K, invited me to a women's Bible study group that met here during lunch time once a week. They were working their way through a book. I went to one meeting, and I never returned. It wasn't because of anything that happened in the meeting. It was just one of those things where circumstances "beyond my control" kept me from there. (I have since made myself admit -- to myself -- that the only reason I did not return was because *I* did not make the step to do so.)
When speaking with K, I expressed to her my desire to find a very in-depth, intense, exhaustive study of the Word. I yearned for those deep discussion-type studies I had been raised around. I wanted with the Bible and other believers what I had had in my college classrooms. Well, she said she attended a Bible study every Monday night that she thought would be just what I was looking for. She invited me to the introductory meeting -- and I didn't go?
Why? I don't know. I oftentimes suffer from a bit of "inertia" -- a lack of desire to do anything, or a strong desire to do nothing. I'm not sure which way it leans. Anyway, as with many other events and opportunities in my life, I did not go. Hmm. How badly did I really want to study the Word, anyway?
Well, just before the winter break, K said that the study group would have another introductory meeting the first Monday night we were back from break, and I was welcome to attend if I wanted to. "Yes!" was my quick reply (often the kind I give when an event is still far enough in the future to yet be "real" to me). How likely was it that I would go this time.
Well, that Monday night rolled around. It was frigid, icy, grey, and just plain miserable all day. I had grown accustomed to sleeping late and doing a whole lot of nothing.
But...
I went.
Yes, there was a certain amount of pride that I had overcome the "inertia" and actually gone to the thing. But then I realized, it didn't have anything to do with me. Left to my own devices, I would have much preferred, honestly to just head home that night and snuggle with my dog.
It was such a blessing to be in a room full of God-seeking women -- women who gave up a Monday night 30 weeks a year to come together and study the Word. And then to take home with them their lesson for the week and devote time daily to reading and studying the Bible.
Wow.
Just what I have been looking for.
So, now I officially have a spot in a Bible Study Fellowship discussion group, and Monday night will be my first time there as an "official" member -- with a name tag and everything!
Since that Monday night I attended that introductory meeting, though, Satan has been against me. I can feel it. I suffered the worst bout of fibromyalgia and other pain this week than I have in months, I missed three days of work, I missed seeing Carol Burnett and Sally Struthers at Bass Hall (two shows I have been anticipating since October), I missed an important staff development day at work, I missed doing my "homework" for my weekly counseling session, and I missed my counseling appointment today. I've been headachy, in tears, exhausted and depressed for days and days. I sat for five days (Saturday through Wednesday) and did nothing. WHAT??
That is NOT what my life is about.
I asked K for prayer, to help me in this time of trial. She sent to me the following:
"I am SO GLAD that you got in so quickly!!! I would love to go to Chili's with you...it's on my calendar.
I will keep you in my prayers. Please take courage & strength in the fact that Satan is attacking you. I know this sounds weird, but it means that you're heading the right direction. Satan doesn't have to try hard when you're complacent...but you're about to study GOD's WORD!! Satan's bringing out all the heavy artillery because he doesn't want you to take hold of the "sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God" (Ephesians 6:17)...our offensive weapon against Satan. God's Word is SO powerful ("For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart" Hebrews 4:12). Satan knows that, too.
Just beware, Satan will continue to attack you until you walk through that door on Monday night. And then he'll do it again every Monday night. And he'll do it every time you think about sitting down to do your bible study. He does it to me.
BUT, "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." (Deuteronomy 31:6)
So, what time do you want to meet on Monday? (It's a holiday, remember?)
K
P.S. Can I share this with A so she can be praying for you too?"
Wow...and wow again.
And so now I have two Christian women, who are not just Christian by "brand" but by deed and action, praying for my protection against the forces of Satan. I also have my mom, who has in the past year or so learned that nothing good comes but that it comes from God, praying for me and my protection.
And now I am sure the battle will be harder -- the struggles more intense, temptation more attractive. My prayer, though, is and has been only to have a stronger, closer relationship with God through the study of His Word.
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