And now my praise for Him

This morning was a great morning. This entry is going to start out sounding like it was awful, but keep reading – you’ll see.

First, I don’t keep it a secret that I have fibromyalgia, but I don’t broadcast it either. That being said, that syndrome/disease/disorder, whatever it is, has caused me to have some really bad days in the past…days where I just could not get to work because of exhaustion or pain or whatever. Well, yesterday was a particularly painful day. I was at work, but I was tired and in pain all day, no matter what I did.

When I woke up this morning, I was in pain again, similar to yesterday, and sooo sleepy. I hit my snooze button a few times, and almost woke up too late. I got up though, and was hurting so bad I knew I wouldn’t make it through the day at work. I didn’t even want to face having to dress and drive in! I went through the living room to turn on my computer, then went to the restroom, having decided that after I did by businessness in there, I would go back to the computer, send in an “I’m not coming in today” e-mail to work, then head back to bed and curl up with the doggie.

After I tinkied (yeah, weird name for it, I know), I decided I would at LEAST take a very warm shower, and maybe that would help me feel better. THEN I would go send my e-mail and go back to bed. That shower felt so so good, but I was semi-groaning through it because it just hurt to move. After a good hair washing, etc., I got out and toweled off. Throughout my shower and all, all I could think and hear in my head were the refrains of some of the praise songs I listen to at work and in the car – “Our God is an awesome God, He reigns in Heaven above with wisdom, power and love; our God is an awesome God.”

As I was drying off, I prayed that God would help me get dressed and get to work. I have been trying so hard to push through the days when I feel bad and get to work anyway. I have run out of sick and vacation time, and I really want to bank some up again. I managed to miss only one day in March (amazing for me), and tomorrow will mark three weeks in a row I have not missed any work.

I brushed my teeth and all of the other things I needed to do, and felt a little stronger mentally about it. I started some water for coffee, turned off my computer – I was going to go to work with the strength I knew the Lord would grant me because of my prayer. I even started praising Him for that strength AS I prayed for Him to grant it.

A little coffe, some Good Morning America, and a snuggle with my dog, and it was time to get dressed. Finally after walking the dog, I was out the door and on my way to work. Praise God! I stopped and dropped my rent check – no late fees for me! As I drove to Starbucks for a caramel macchiato and some oatmeal (I needed a comfort breakfast today), I realized my pain was actually subsiding!!! That NEVER happens that fast. Usually I have to sleep several hours just to escape the pain and wait for some sort of drug to kick in to relieve it.

Now, I’m still hurting. My hands and fingers are aching, my head is pounding, and if I allowed myself to get still long enough I could fall asleep in my chair. BUT I AM AT WORK!

As I was sipping coffee this morning, I read a couple of Psalms. I read Psalms 1 and 121. I’ve NEVER had a relationship with the Psalms. Sure, I know the 23rd, after having recited it, heard it seen it on plaques, etc., for as long as I have been alive. I know 121 is used a LOT and there is even a song based on it. It never talked to me the way it did this morning, though…to the point that while I was walking the dog, I was singing the part of the song that I knew.

“Psalm 121
1I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.
2My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth.
3He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber.
4Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.
5The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand.
6The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night.
7The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.
8The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.”

All I could do after I read this this morning was to pray and praise Him for always being right by me, protecting me and keeping me, even when I have not been aware of His presence. What a difference waking up praising and thanking the Lord has made!

Days like today and experiences like this are showing me the changes in my relationship to God – exactly what I prayed for and desired. It may be going slowly, but it is steady. And I have NOT been doing “my part” in this relationship for 20 years or so. I have made so few, little baby steps in the last few months, but for every one of those little baby steps I have made, there has been such a huge closing in the gap I have felt like I had placed between me and God by my past.

Amazing, though, that no matter what I did in the past, He has always been right here protecting and keeping me, shielding me from danger and damage both day and night. And PRAISE GOD that horrible guilt I have been feeling for the past has begun to lift and I feel so much “cleaner” than I did.