Blog evolved

It's no big surprise to me that this went from my initial idea of basically doing my BSF lessons on this blog to a journal of my current journey.

Monday night was an awesome night for me at BSF. I didn't get ANY sleep at all Sunday night, and I have no reason as to why. Usually I can attribute sleeplessness to something -- worry, caffeine, too many naps. But Sunday night I was just UP for no reason it seemed.

Getting through the work day Monday wasn't too difficult. By the time 5 rolled around, I wasn't even considering NOT going to BSF, but I had kinda considered skipping the lecture after the discussion groups met. I am so glad I didnt.

I realized God kept me awake Sunday night for a reason. I needed to be tired Monday night so I could be vulnerable, to a point, to D's message.

I can't even remember what her words were specifically, but before groups, we sing a couple of hymns (two of my faves this week -- Worship His Majesty and Crown Him with Many Crowns), then D prays before we all break. Something in her prayer suddenly pricked that part of my heart that I have been avoiding this whole time -- the part of my heart that has KNOWN there are certain things that I have done over the last several years that I have to repent for. I HAVE to spend time in tears, on my knees, asking for God's forgiveness for these things. And like I child avoiding the pain of ripping off a band aid or letting mommy remove a splinter, I have avoided even thinking about these things.

There has been, on my part, a quick, "Oh and Lord forgive me for ..." sentiment on my part, but that sort of passing request doesn't do in my spirit what the lesson of staying close to God needs to do. (I feel like I'm babbling and not making sense here.)

Finally, like gently pricking a blister, her words opened up the wound of those times. I started crying, softly, but unable to stop the tears, as I asked the Lord's forgiveness. It was so wonderful for that process to begin. I wanted to stay there in the sanctuary in prayer, communing with the Lord and making those steps toward Him and toward healing.

I know that my sincere request of God to forgive me is enough for Him -- finally I have been deeply sincere for it. It hasn't been enough for my flawed flesh, though, and I know I will have to work to heal even more. (It amazes me that God can love me so much that He would send His Son to die for my sin, yet I can't love myself. And that He can be so forgiving as to throw my sins as far as the east from the west, but I can't forgive myself.)

@>~~>~~ New Subject ~~<~~<@

One of the things I am learning through this study of Moses in BSF is that although God will forgive, there still can be punishment for sin. However, it's also never too late to turn around from sin.

The lesson this week was about Aaron's rod that budded and the Levites' complaining about the position Moses and Aaron held. It amazed me that despite the fact that God was merciful enough to some to tell them to move before He passed judgement on Korah and those with him, then provided such an awesome display of His judgement for their complaining and their questioning of Him (and their breaking of the laws set by Him when they brought their censers before Him)...after ALL of that -- the ground opening to swallow Korah, the 250 leaders with him, AND all of their households AND all of their possessions -- that the very next morning the Isrealites complained to Moses yet again.

And through it all, Moses had such a close relationship with God that he was able to give up thoughts of self and do all for the glory of the Lord.

I do have to admit that some of the descriptions struck me as funny, though -- Moses and Aaron sure fell to their faces a lot. All I could see in my mind's eye was them falling forward, stiff as boards, everytime those around them "acted up" and needed prayer. (Or as one of the women in BSF said, maybe they remembered what had happened in the past and were ducking God's wrath.)