Speaking to me

This song, right now, is really speaking to me. I listened to it probably 20 times on the way to and from Mom's house this weekend:

The Word

by Sara Groves

I've done every devotional, been every place emotional
trying to hear a new word from God, and I think it's very odd
That while I attempt to help myself my bible sits upon the shelf
With every promise I could ever need

The Word was the Word is and the Word will be
The Word was the Word is and the Word will be

People are getting fit for truth like they're buying a new tailored suit
Does it fit across the shoulders, will it fade when it gets older
We throw ideas that aren't in style in the Salvation Army pile
And search for something more to meet our needs

But the Word was the Word is and the Word will be
The Word was the Word is and the Word will be

I think it's time I rediscover all the ground that I have covered
Like 'seek ye first,' what a verse
We are pressed but not crushed, perplexed but don't despair
We are persecuted but never abandoned
We are no longer slaves, we are daughters and sons
And when we are weak, we are very strong
And neither death, nor life, nor present, nor future, nor depth, nor height
Can keep us from the love of Christ
And the Word I need is the word that was
Who put on flesh to dwell with us
In the beginning

The Word was the Word is and the Word will be
The Word was the Word is and the Word will be

This song is so what I want and need to get to right now. I remember times in my past I have prayed for a sign from God that so-and-so was going to happen or this-and-that was what I needed to do or pursue.

And yet in my hands, neglected and ignored by me, is the answer to EVERYTHING I need to know. I feel like such a baby in the Word because I have wasted so much time and not studied. I have spent so much time serving self and ego and lust and pride and so many other "self" type desires. I have been saved for so long, and yet I totally turned my back on God and the Word. The entire time I have known that I was to live under His rule and law. I was to commune and fellowship with God on a personal level -- I was to study His Word daily, praying and giving myself to Him for His will to be done.

I have felt that tug, that knowing I have not been living where I should be...where I am supposed to be.

And now I feel like I have so much ground to cover and time to catch up on. I feel almost like I am starting over. It is so frustrating. There is a joy in it and an excitement, because in a lot of ways, I feel that thrill a new Christian feels when they first are saved and fall completely in love with Christ.

I should be such a more mature Christian by now, though. It makes me angry at myself and frustrates me so much.

And yet I know what matters is that I am working to get back where I am supposed to be.

While I was driving to and from Mom's this weekend, I also allowed myself to feel a lot of the guilt I have been pushing deep down for so long. I have buried, covered, denied these feelings for so long.

What was wonderful, though, is that while I was driving down I-20, my tears falling like the rain around me, and as I allowed those feelings to come up and I prayed for God to show me how to do what I need to to ask His forgiveness, then let it go and forgive myself, a huge rainbow streaked across the sky.

A friend of mine who is such a strong Christian I almost feel envious of her relationship with God has told me that she has "dates" with God. I decided today that next weekend, I am going to do just that myself. I have wanted and needed to just spend time with God, reading His Word, communing with Him through prayer...just developing a relationship with Him again. This coming weekend is my time to do that.